If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
