dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm passing your future prison.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Everyone says I win the strip club
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
