come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
