Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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