So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
