ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
