Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
