I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
