my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
