Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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