I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
