i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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