if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
