Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
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