Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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