Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
