I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
