I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
