what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I love how my cats smell like pot.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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