She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
