you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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