I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
