Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
