Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Why can't burritos get me drunk
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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