Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
