i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
