do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize