uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
