I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
