can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
