he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just googled if crying burns calories
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
