I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
