Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
