I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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