I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
