I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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