I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
