It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
