just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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