My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize