Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
