I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
