I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Randomize
