this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
