No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
