I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
