Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
