He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
