My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
