Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Randomize
