I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The uberlube is also flammable
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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