I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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