She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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