i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize