dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
