There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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