Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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