Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
